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On Cheating.

On Cheating.

I’m a cheater. Or a backslider. Or a relapser. Or maybe just a mistake-maker, or an expert starter-over.

So far, my addiction to sugar seems to be gone, or at least seriously diminished. I’m not craving sugar, but when it’s right in my face there’s still a possibility that it’ll go right into my mouth.

Confessions: On Friday morning I needed to be ready for an 11:00 funeral and finish up the church newsletter. Two things of almost equal importance. (Multi-tasking is overrated, if not completely fictitious. Who among us really does more than one thing at a time? We just try to do too many things in rapid sequence and call it “multi-tasking,” when often the more appropriate appellation is “insanity.”)

When my Mac completely froze and I hadn’t saved for the past 30 minutes, I was beside myself. Out of my mind. Certainly not present! So when I stomped off to take a break and passed the remains of some cake in the dining room (leftovers given to my son and granddaughter, who had visited for a week) I grabbed some and gobbled it down. Frustration. Anxiety. Panic, even.

On Saturday I was at a 6-hour program on strategic planning, with piles of bagels and donuts provided. During the fifth hour I felt I would fall asleep any minute, or more likely die from inactivity and tedium (good program, but still too long), and I ate a donut filled with Bavarian cream. It may have saved my life. At least I can claim with certainty that I didn’t die of torpor.

These incidents don’t negate my fast; I just have to start all over again at that moment. I’m glad to say that I didn’t take the “screw it, I blew it so I’ll just go crazy and start again tomorrow” approach. It’s not a matter of the fast “working” or “not working.” It’s practice. It’s asking God to help me break the bonds of sugar addiction, or anything that acts as a continual pull from self-remembrance.

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4 thoughts on “On Cheating.

  1. How is mindfulness different from self-consciousness? (I’m most content when I forget myself and am not measuring my contentment, happiness, etc., which sounds like the opposite of the usual understanding of “mindfulness.”)
    Also, I’m currently reading In Search of the Miraculous and wondered why you included a “Gurdjieff” tag?
    P.S. It wasn’t the kind of “cheating” I was expecting!!

  2. Actually, the phrase is “self-remembrance,” a uniquely Gurdjieffian way of describing mindfulness; there’s a link there (although I was surprised that the link only showed up looking like regular old underlining) to one person’s description of “self-remembrance.” The concept is apparently common in Hindu spirituality, since if you Google “self-remembrance” you’ll get a lot of that; but you can also Google “self-remembrance Gurdjieff” and you’ll find another train of thought. And perhaps my more important response to your comment: what kind of cheating were you expecting?

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